This article originally appeared in Age of Awareness on Medium.com. If you’re a Medium member, be sure to enjoy it in its original environment.
One of the most important things I hope we learn from this pandemic is that loneliness is just like hunger or thirst, it’s a natural signal from the body that requires our attention.
Loneliness, and the anxiety that goes along with it, is escalating.
In January 2019, according to the Health Resources & Services Administration, 1 in 5 Americans reported feeling lonely or socially isolated and 42% of seniors reported feeling lonely on a regular basis.
Fast forward to COVID-19 pandemic of 2020 where a study released by the University of Phoenix in April 2020 reported 41% of US adults claim they are more concerned about their mounting anxiety than how they will pay their bills.
The Inherent Need for Others
We’ve heard experts warn us for years now that loneliness and social isolation can be as detrimental to our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
Relationships are not simply convenient or nice to have. I’d go so far as to say that relationships are one of the most powerful medicines we have to combat this pandemic.
Connection with others is part of what keeps us healthy, what makes us strong and well. This includes more than family relationships, but extends to interactions with work and school mates and includes appreciating neighbors and greeting strangers.
Recognizing that on the deepest level of connection possible, we are all human, can be a remarkable and life-giving insight.
The power and role of relationship goes deep. I’m not trying to get all circle of life on you but think about it. Our humanness is our ultimate connection. It’s the force that binds us as one; it’s the universal consciousness that bridges our differences.
Biological Effects of Loneliness
On a biological level, loneliness is a state of stress and our bodies react as if threatened.
Cortisol, the stress hormone, goes up when we feel stressed. Cortisol is great when we have to flee a wild tiger in the wilderness, but living with elevated cortisol levels daily means our immune systems are compromised and cognitive performance is impaired.
Chronic loneliness can leave us all at a higher risk for adverse health effects in areas of mental health such as depression and anxiety; in overall well-being such as quality of life; and in physical health such as condition and sleep.
The No-Shame Zone
Loneliness is not a sign that you are socially deficient.
It’s not a message to you about your own social ineptitude.
There is an element of shame associated with loneliness that we need to nix. Right now!
The bottom line is that our nervous systems react to being lonely. When we are separated from people, there’s a grumbling that starts deep inside, a need to connect that surfaces making us feel isolated and uncomfortable. But that’s okay!
As the feeling emerges, we need to recognize it as a signal to seek out human connection. Not use it as a means to shame ourselves into withdrawing.
Feeling lonely and wanting connection is a legitimate need that your body is craving.
When you’re feeling disconnected, there’s nothing wrong with you. Your body, however, has a need and is eager for a solution. Just like when you’re stomach growls, you need food, not ridicule.
The Paradox of Loneliness
Unless we break the link to shame that anchors loneliness to our self-worth, we will continue to suffer.
The strange thing about loneliness is that as the feeling swells inside, we spiral downward into the shame of separation which only serves to separate us even more from the solution: the human connection we need.
As we experience loneliness, we may tend to shift our focus inward toward ourselves, which is perfectly normal and expected when facing a threatened state. Focusing on ourselves is a way to ensure survival. But this shift in focus can make it harder to reach out, harder to interact, and harder to form connections. Recognizing this is the first step to cutting the shame link.
Another natural phenomenon of loneliness is that it tends to chip away at our self-esteem. Somehow it convinces us that we’re not worthy of relationship or connection. We’re not lovable or worthwhile and we don’t deserve attention.
This cognitive trick can be a hard nut to crack.
But if you can step back and see loneliness for what it is — your body’s response to a need not being met — then you can clearly see the lies that need to be brushed away and the shame that needs to be snipped and drowned.
This Social Recession is an Opportunity to Reset
Let’s rethink this whole thing.
Perhaps we can start here: let’s call it physical distancing instead of social distancing.
First Task: Connect with Yourself
Connecting with yourself is the foundation for connecting with others. When you connect with yourself, you realize the value you bring to the world. You see the wonderful and happy person you are.
There is so much input around us that wants us to think we are not enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not rich enough.
Not talented enough.
Not thin enough.
Not funny enough.
Not good enough.
Not worthy of love and attention.
Don’t drink the red Koolaid®. Don’t believe the lie. Don’t fall for the bullshit that loneliness is pouring down your throat.
Instead, find a place of comfort where you can reflect on who and what you are.
Anchor yourself in the most authentic part of you by accepting what you see and exploring who you are with curiosity and compassion.
Gaining additional knowledge about who you will allow you to be compassionate and forgiving toward yourself. As you accept yourself, you accept others for who they are.
Ways to connect with yourself:
- Spend time re-engaging in activities you once loved. Pick something physical and something mental. Everyone has something that used to make them joyful inside, but life got in the way. Find that thing and pull it forward in your life.
- Practice deliberate solitude by quieting the world around you and taking time to reflect. Feel the wind against your face. Hear the birds call out to the morning sun. Experience your breath moving in and out. These are all ways to spend just minutes a day in deliberate solitude where you can connect with yourself.
- Build your life around being vs doing. Solitude is a powerful way to practice being. Most of us build our lives around action: what’s the next thing to do? But first and foremost you are a being. Being proceeds doing.
- Be first, then do. If you spend time getting into the right frame of mind regarding who you are, exploring your worth and what you have to offer to the world, you will find you are much more productive in your actions.
- Practicing gratitude is the best way to connect with yourself. It is a simple and powerful practice to find within yourself what you are grateful for and who you are grateful for.
Second Task: Connect with Others
This is a great time to focus on the quality and quantity of those you love and trust. Just as you need the connection of others, they need you. In trusted relationships, you share the responsibility of connection.
Ways to connect with others:
- Revel in the protection and resources of those you already know. Zoom with friends. Call your parents. Email your co-workers.
- Spend time bonding with those who know you, those who really know the authentic parts of you. The people who know us the best are the often the ones who have the ability to keep us true to ourselves.
- Let these connections be a reminder to you of who you are when you’re happy and connected with others.
- Verbalize your gratitude to others for a quick connection. Thank them for taking out the garbage or making the bed. Thank them for being who they are in your life.
Third Task: Connect with Strangers
As you connect with yourself and with those closest to you, remember, there’s an entire world of people out there feeling lonely just like you. As you understand your own self-worth, you realize the value you can bring to the world.
Stranger connection is an odd beast. Strangers can be dangerous and disturbing. They’re the ones with the virus, not me. They’re the ones spreading this disease. But what if we were all in this together? What if it were everyone’s responsibility to protect each other?
Strangers are not the enemy. Strangers are people just like you who are doing the best they can to get by.
Some of us are so hungry for human connection that we wear our masks to the grocery store just to see others and to feel normal. I know, my dad confessed to doing this last weekend. This doesn’t make you socially deficient, but it should help you to realize that even persons we don’t know can impact our lives.
Ways to connect with strangers:
- Keep your six feet distance, but smile at everyone you see. Wearing a mask? Smile anyway because 90% of your smile is in your eyes. Wave as you go by. Nod as you pass. Acknowledge the human being who is six feet away from you.
- Take time to appreciate the faces you don’t recognize. The people who bag your groceries. The people who deliver your mail. We’re all in this together.
If you are honest about what you’re experiencing, you will realize there is more love and support out there than you realize.
Loneliness is an itch to be scratched, a thirst to quench, and a hunger to satisfy. Nothing more and nothing less.
Need to chat?
Find me @joolzfnp on Twitter or shoot me an email.
